Not Being a Blockhead

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I sat outside and enjoyed the sun, I did the bare minimum for housework, in short I had a day off. At some point in the afternoon I started feeling a bit down, a bit blue. Part of me thought "Well Janet you're probably bored and you should go do something." I did do a few things, got some work done, sent out a few e-mails, the usual. Still didn't feel that great. By the time 9pm rolled around I felt absolutely wretched. Poor Mike was trying to be nice and understanding while not having any idea of what was going on. He didn't know what was going on because I didn't know what was going on. Then it dawned on me. Sam is still dead. He will always be dead. It's heartbreak all over again. I don't really want to describe how that feels.

In short, I sometimes forget that we're still carrying this pain in our hearts and it's bound to leak out. So when I have another one of these days hopefully I'll be more quick to realize what's happening and deal with it appropriately, by eating huge amounts of cookies.

Janet

Bread, Meat, and Cheese (Part 1)

Recently Mike and I took a week long trip to France. It was full of so many new and exciting experiences. France, a big ferry, strange food, driving on the right side of the road with the steering wheel on the wrong side. Exciting indeed!

Our trip started on a Friday night, we drove from London to Dover so that we could catch the 5:15 ferry the next morning. We woke at some ungodly hour Saturday morning and made the ferry. It was a blast. I loved the big boat and there was something magical about seeing the White Cliffs of Dover. I nearly forgot, our hotel room was tres cute. Probably the smallest hotel room I've ever seen. The door opened into the bed and I had to back into the bathroom. We arrived safely in Calais, drove for approximately an hour and a half and then got stuck in traffic for three hours. However it was sunny and we were on vacation so it was not a disaster.

I loved driving through France. The Northern bit was flat and immense. It reminded me a teensy bit of Michigan. Driving through we also got to see fields of those huge windmills. I think that they are majestic. We avoided Paris like the plague because while driving through Paris was technically the most direct route to where we were staying, it would have added eight hours to our trip. So countryside driving it was!

We stopped off for a few supplies when we were nearly there and arrived in time for dinner despite our three hour delay.

We parked, stepped out of the car and the view took my breath away. We were looking down over a valley. It was woodland, hills, and farmland. No motorway, no cities, just peace and quiet and fresh air. I spent the whole week breathing it in.

Our little cottage (or Gite as the French say) was perfect. Perfect for two. It had a kitchen and dining area downstairs, upstairs was the bed with a TV (a real treat since we don't have one) and the loo and shower. Outside were lounge chairs, a table, and our very own private pool. I went in often but Mike found it a bit too chilly. It was very funny watching his twenty minute long process to get into the pool.

So we settled in and had, you guessed it! Bread, meat, and cheese for dinner. It was divine. We watched the sunset, read our books, and then went to sleep. Absolute bliss.

Sunday we decided to go into the nearby town to get some supplies for the week. Our supplies consisted of bread, meat, and cheese, some wine, and some salad. It went pretty well except for me having the "Ok we're on vacation and I'm relaxing now which of course means having an emotional breakdown in the grocery store." Mike handled it well. He let me cry and get mad and then eventually apologize. He's very understanding.

Sunday night was a lot like Saturday night.

I have loads more to tell but this is getting long so I'll end it there and finish the story over the next few days.

If you want to see pictures take a look on Facebook.

Janet

An Assortment of Creams, No. Thoughts!

Mother, Aunt Linda, Chrissy, and Aunt Mary all came to stay last week. It was an absolute blast. I have lots of pretty new things now. A teapot, teacups (gaudy monstrosities but I love them), two chairs, cushions, earrings, tea, and all sorts of wonderful things. I do have to admit (and Mike don't get offended because you know it's true) that shopping with girls is more fun than shopping with one's husband. I think it's because husbands in general are very fiscally responsible. And that is being said without a scrap of sarcasm or bitterness.

Oh, and I have a cat now too. Her name is Mia. She seems to be worried about her weight. Currently she is sat in front of the washing machine, mesmerized. I got in her way and she attacked my legs. Apparently I was in the way of her favorite show. *sigh*

Did you know that if you don't have cream of mushroom soup and want to make tuna fish casserole you can sautee some mushrooms, at 2 tbl of butter, 2 tbl of flour and mix, then add a cup of veggie stock. How cool is that? It makes this wonderful creamy, buttery, flavorful sauce. Love it!

Here's a picture of my husband. Because he's cute.

Wearing my slippers of course. Jeeze...

I hope all is well in the world. I'm off to clean our room. *clenches jaw determinedly*

Janet

Mid-Day Musings

Sometimes when a song comes on, or a memory flits through my mind, my breath is taken away from the sheer sorrow of Sam's death. I miss him. I find that some days I can accept that Sam is dead, and other days it is simply impossible. I beat my fists against the truth of it, wanting to cry out with rage. One doesn't do that though. One simply tries to carry on.

Yesterday I was talking to one of my cousins. We both said sort of the same thing. Now the end of the world doesn't seem like such a bad thing after all. I think one of the things that Sam's death has made me realize is that once Christ comes (or we die, whichever first) we'll be safe, we'll be happy and whole. I realize that I am more open to the idea of Christ coming for possibly the wrong reasons, but it's a start.

Easter was thought provoking for me. I remembered especially the love that came after Sam's death. Our family received cards and prayers from people we had never met before, or people we hadn't seen in years and years. I think it was months before the cards stopped coming. People from all walks of life, Sam's friends from HVS, his Army buddies, the Sword of the Spirit, Word of God, Christ the King, Holy Trinity and so on. Our friends and family were very present for us in those days. They did everything. Bringing meals, talking, supplying the house with tissues, toilet roll, paper plates, napkins. Everything.

I have no clear thoughts on this matter, no point that I'm trying to make, just saying that I'm grateful for these moments of clarity and the realization of God's love and all the forms that it takes.

Happy Easter.

Wrong Side of the Bed

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Very. Grumpy. Mike always manages to make me smile though. Who could resist smiling at such a sweet man? Not me though I do try at times. Icy bitch that I can be.

The sun keeps shining. People are saying it's been the weirdest weather in ages. No rain in weeks, I'm not complaining.... Neither are they for that matter.

I have various goals, desires, dreams floating around in my head. Develop a vintagey type style of dressing, dance regularly, be organized, make pretty things with my hands, have babies, lead a pretty, comfortable, hassle free life.

Steps to accomplishing said life:

1. Get some Courage.
2. Leave the House.
3. Shop somewhere other than Westfields (though I do like Westfields) and remember to be sensible.
4. Ask Mike to familiarize me with his System.
5. Practice my Jewelry Making.
6. Wait for God to bless us with Children.
7. Accept the fact that life is not meant to be comfortable and hassle free. 

There. That should do the trick. Right?

I'm going to go get the house ready for my in-laws. I'm going to put on my happy face and  a pretty skirt. I am going to live my life today. 

Question. Any ideas for uplifting music? Nothing melancholic or too harsh... Movie soundtracks tend to work well I just can't think of anything. 

Ok. Deep breath. 

Positivity

I write to my mother and my sister frequently (in electronic form). Generally these e-mails are bemoaning the state of my life. I complain a lot, and loudly. "Woe is me" and that sort of thing. I read an article recently about how babies learn to express their negative feelings before their positive ones. This seemed to me to be a pretty good illustration on my attitude toward life. Always feeling, looking, and seeing the negative before the positive. Maybe it's my natural inclination, maybe it's a product of our society, maybe it's just habit. Whatever it is I want to change it. Somebody (who knows about these things) once told me that it takes two years to change our mental habits. It's going to be a long hard road to change this habit, but well worth the effort I think.

Recently I had a half birthday celebration with my sharing group. Whilst being prayed over one of them said that God wanted me to focus on the Risen Christ this Lent. I didn't really know what that meant, and still don't really, but the Risen Christ is my hope and my salvation... As well as everyone else's. So I think I ought to focus on that and return Him to that place in my heart. 

'Nuff said right?

"They moved the Tate Modern!"

Chrissy came to visit me a bit ago and this one was one of my more brilliant utterances. I won't attempt to explain how I came to think that the Tate Modern had been moved, it hasn't.

I had planned to write about all of the things that we did, what we saw, what we liked best and all that but that is way too much effort so I won't. Having Chrissy to stay was awesome. We roamed around London and saw everything from the London Bridge to Trafalger Square and Chinatown. We both of us took loads of pictures and I'm sure will get around to posting them soon. It was nice to have another person in the house. Mike and I both agreed that we feel the house is more homey with more than two people in it. I think that this is because he's been living in household for the past ten years and I grew up with well, my family. Never a dull moment eh?

Soon I will be able to post a video of our third floor. The plumber is currently working on the bathroom up there and then Mike and I will be able to redecorate the bedroom up. And voila! We will have a guest suite. Until then it remains a mystery.

I've been trying to keep busy but decided that I need a way to keep myself occupied that wasn't entirely house or project related so I've taken up jewelry making (thank you Linda for the inspiration). This is my first pair of earrings! Not perfect by a long shot but I'm pretty proud of myself for accomplishing that. It took me about an hour and a half.

I find it pretty therapeutic. It takes all of my concentration, I get to use some creativity, and I have an end product!

Also, it snowed in London last night.